The Healing Power of Illness
Our illness is a spiritual guide, an Angel, calling us into the lost parts of our soul to reclaim them…
We try and resist illness, or judge and run away from it. In our fear and panic we say, ‘make it go away’, ‘cut it out’, ‘get it out of me’ – as if we are shocked and startled by the sight of our own shadow. But truly we cannot remove it, because it is a part of our lost soul, and will always be with us, until we heal it at the causal level. We can suppress its symptoms for a while, but usually it comes back somehow, inviting us in.
What if illness were an Angel? A messenger from the parts of our soul we have lost touch with, the parts of us that disconnected and dissociated during traumatic events in our lives – as far back as our time in the Womb and birth.
These symptoms that can feel so overwhelming and painful, are guiding us back through the web of time, to a moment we need to revisit, feel and bring love to. When we do this, miracles happen. Sometimes the thread is long and winding, it takes us on a deep healing journey within, over many years. Through the Angel of illness, we get to travel to hidden vistas of our psyche that we had abandoned and forgotten.
In a society that is in denial of its wounds and traumas, we celebrate a false vitality – supermodels who look in top shape with their cocaine habits and eating disorders, perpetually youthful images that do not have soul, controlling health habits that see people trying to cycle away their inner disharmony in the gym. Often those with no physical symtoms at all can be very numb and closed down. Their soul wounds express in different ways; such as conflict and accidents.
It is beautiful to love, nurture and take care of our bodies – but also to allow them their natural expression, even if it is sharing something we may not like. Our body’s discomfort is a message of love; everything in the universe is conspiring to bring us deeper into love. We can trust these messages and follow them, unraveling the web of our deepest soul wounds as we do. When we stop trying to control the body, we see our truth. The body doesn’t lie.
We are created to live in a magical flow of vitality, radiance and life-force – but no one on this planet is manifesting this from their soul yet. It is a journey, and the more we heal on a causal level, the more we return to our original biological blueprint which is effortlessly joyful, playful and free – filled with the living light of our Creator.
Womb Awakening: the Angel of Illness, a personal story
‘I first connected with my Womb ten years ago after being diagnosed with endometriosis and fibroids. After an initial operation the surgeon told me the entire left side of my Womb was full of lesions, but the right side was clear. He’d never seen that before. I instantly ‘knew’ my body was telling me to reconnect with my Feminine side.
I took medical drugs that brought me temporarily into the menopause and made me gain a lot of weight and feel depressed. After a few months I stopped taking them and stopped seeing any doctors (I don’t recommend this for everyone, but my Womb advised this for me). Instead I embarked on a radical healing journey, I did a 3 month intensive cleanse, I took herbs, I used essential oils and flower essences, I followed my Lunar cycles, I practiced Womb breathing for hours, I practiced kundalini yoga, and did Seiki (healing with Life-force) on myself every day for at least an hour, focusing on my Womb and stomach area.
I prayed to Divine Mother sometimes for several hours at a time. I dived into painful emotions I’d been repressing, and saw some of the wounded patterns I’d been living my life by. I didn’t have a partner and I stopped socialising. I already had a deep connection to the Divine Mother consciously since I was 24, but I had never known her home was in my body, inside my Womb. I began to wake up to the mysterious, awesome, magical truth of this divine reality.
I healed my fibroids completely without surgery, and my endometriosis symptoms diminished. I felt like I had been transported to a different dimension, and life would never be the same again. I wrote a book on Womb healing that I never published. Instead I followed another magical thread that was leading me to be a journalist and mainstream writer, something I had always dreamed of. By the power of Shakti, by living in the magical flow, I achieved things people had told me were impossible. I became editor of a national magazine in a few years, I interviewed famous men and women, I was nominated for prestigious awards and was invited to 10 Downing Street by Tony Blair when he left office.
But that life felt hollow, in my heart it felt like a charade to gain approval and security from the outside world, whilst abandoning my inner soul self. The more money I made, the more success I found, the more my soul withered.
My Womb began calling again, asking me to go deeper. I had followed my heart, but it had led me down a masculine ‘career’ path. Now I longed for love, tenderness, my soulmate, to be barefoot and pregnant, to feel juicy. I no longer wanted to meditate or do hardcore yoga or visit ashrams. I wanted to sing and dance, I wanted to write poetry and feminine stories. I wanted to commune with the feminine face of God, and return to innocence and love, to be in nature.
My body spoke to me by creating a cyst on my left ovary; a strange one, almost ancestral. This time I felt it was important to keep in touch with doctors. Whilst continuing on a deeper Spiral of natural, emotional and spiritual Womb healing. Finally the doctor’s said I needed surgery. I asked for time to think it over. I knew I didn’t want to take the cyst out, that she still had much to teach me – we weren’t done with each other yet. But I didn’t want to risk my health either. I sat with it for a while, uncertain of what to do. I told my cyst I loved her, and was amazed to feel her pulse back at me, releasing electricity through my body.
One evening I received a call from the hospital. The woman said she was a nurse and she was reading through my file. It seemed peculiar for the hospital to be calling so late. She told me after considering my file she thought I was healed and needed no further intervention and she was going to discharge me. Great, I thought. This was the answer to my prayers. Though it was strange they’d had such a sudden turnaround, they had been adamant about surgery before. Just to check, I called the hospital the next day in regular working hours. They confirmed my file had been closed, but they had never heard of the nurse, and they said no one would have ever called me so late. They were puzzled. But I was sure it was a sign – maybe even an Angel who had somehow interceded.
Eventually, this thread of the Womb Awakening Spiral unwound my entire life. I quit my successful career, I sold my expensive house, I gave away all my possessions until I only had one suitcase left, and I travelled across the world. With nothing to my name, having left behind all the ‘things’ (physical and non-physical) that had given me a sense of identity, safety and self-worth – I met my soulmate, and begin the next Spiral of opening myself to Love and the masculine.
Sacred sexuality took me further down the Womb Hole of awakening, and as a Goddess-given sign of my healing, I began to manifest new symptoms. After making love I began to bleed. Every time. Blood would cover the sheets. I felt a primal terror every time I saw the blood; like it was a reminder of an old injury, a time when blood had been shed not through life-giving menstruation, but through something more death-dealing and wounded in its intentions.
I would sob with fear. But still, every day, we made love. We journeyed with this blood and it took me to many dark places, through many shadows. We kept asking my Womb if we should seek medical tests, but she said no – keep going. After personal examination, we found it to be a lesion in the left side of my yoni. My feminine side was bleeding her pain out. Then one day it switched sides.
The bleeding continued. By now the pain was located on my right hand side – the masculine. The oddness of it reassured me, and I knew a deep healing was occurring. No matter what blissful raptures had been experienced making love, the bleeding always brought me back to the hidden fears for me to feel and embrace. Eventually, after a few months, we decided to seek medical advice. But every time that decision was made, my Womb would communicate that only my Beloved could touch me – that no one else could give me an intimate examination. Luckily my beloved was a doctor, so there was reassurance in that.
All the while I was meeting and facing some of my deepest fears about merging with the masculine, and step by step, day by day, they were dissolving until I began to experience huge cathartic breakthroughs. Every night I would have vivid, intense dreams of old partners, old heartbreaks, as if I was reliving the pain. Sometimes in dreamtime I would project my Beloveds identity onto these old painful events, and I realized unconsciously I was doing this in reality too.
Opening to love again felt like dying to an old part of me; it was beautiful and terrifying all at once. Like memory being erased on a computer and starting with a blank page again. Some days I would have vertigo, not knowing who ‘I’ was.
The one day, just as suddenly as the bleeding had started, it stopped.
Her message had been heard, her pain felt and integrated and she was no longer needed. The subconscious feeling of my Feminine self as a ‘bloody battleground’ had been let go, and I could begin again, in trust and innocence, to open to love.
And of course, that was just the beginning of a new Spiral of healing and opening…’
Artist Credits (in order of appearance):
John William Waterhouse ‘Undine’ (public domain)